BLUE EYES

Last night I met Blue Eyes, my lost baby. Grown taller now than Linn or Lee, as tall as Chris, but older. Maybe twenty. He was blond, short-haired. Although he didn't look a lot like my other boys, there was a definite family resemblance. He was slim, small-boned like Lee. When I saw him, I knew him immediately, knew he was one of mine.
I RECOGNIZED him. I was stunned. I KNEW I had met him before. There was this feeling of ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE RECOGNITION. I knew him. He was mine.

I turned away and put my head into my husband's shoulder, and cried and cried. How was it possible that there had been this great gap in my life, and I did not miss it? I wanted to go back in time, to see what had happened, how we had lost him. I thought, I never gave him a Christmas present, or even a birthday card. I never even gave him a name! I cried and cried and cried. I felt this unconsolable loss, because now that I had seen him, I REMEMBERED him.

I went over to him, full of all those years I had somehow forgotten him, thinking, HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN HIM? I put my arms around him and hugged him so tight, and he hugged me back. Nothing was said, but I knew he was telling me that it was okay, there was nothing to forgive, but I wanted his forgiveness! We stood there hugging each other for a long time while I continued to cry.

Then I woke up. It was 1:47 a.m. -- I was still upset and full of tears. It was so REAL. I got up, turned some lights on and got a drink of water. I walked around for a few minutes, feeling as if I had been through something PROFOUND. When I finally went back to bed I tried to tell the dream to Marv but he was too sleepy to listen --

--as I write this it is almost four in the afternoon and I am still shedding tears over this. why?


(We lost this baby June 4, 1966. Dreamed this eleven years later.)